I have been reading this amazing book (get it here) and I just finished a chapter about Editing your life. Think of taking Marie Kondos's theory on "joy" in our closets and apply it to your family calendar. One section of the chapter hit me smack in the face and I just had to share it with you all.
It was about how using the word NO can significantly improve our life, and I realized not only do I rarely use that word...but rather than saying no to someone I will avoid, ignore, and vague my way out of things. Together truthfully if we want to take the stigma away from that little word. We not only need to get better at saying it ourselves, but we need to RESPECT when others tell us no. I'll explain...
Why is saying no so hard? Well, for us women it's because deep down we all want to be liked and loved by everyone (and we will save just that there for another day) but saying NO we are afraid it will push people away or make them not like us. I truly comes down to our own self-worth.
Why do we need to get good at saying no? To protect your priorities. Do you even know what your priorities are? (chapter one of the book helps you figure that out) It will also allow you more time and energy for the things you WANT TO spend your time on. There is also a great relief that comes from saying No in an authentic way. You won't have to hide from your neighbor because you are ignoring her request for the bake sale or feeling like you need to stay inside on a Sat night because you hit "maybe" for the girls night but you really didn't want to go.
So how do you say no? It's not just about saying the word no truly it's about HOW we all say no. You want to be honest, authentic, and respectful without hurting the other person's feelings. Share truthfully why you need to decline (details help miscommunications and assumed intentions). Only add in "I'm sorry" when you really mean it...we use this more often than not as a quick reply without thinking. Lastly, don't be defensive no need to be.
Need some examples to help you?
To a friend offering you something:
I really respect what you are doing. I hope it brings you a lot of success, but it's not the right opportunity for me and my goals right now.
To the person asking you to run the bakesale at school?
I love your mission and am honored you have asked me to be involved. My plate is completely full, and if take this on I won't be able to give it the time and attention it deserves. Wishing you a wildly successful event!
Offer for a girl's night? Baby shower? Birthday?
Thank you so much for the invitation. I will not be able to go because I have ____ already schedule for that night.
OR Thank you so much for the invitation. We do not have our March calendar organized yet so, I will have to get back to you on a firm RSVP. For know I wanted you to know that I did see your invite! (THEN ACTUALLY TELL THEM YES OR NO)
Date night with some friends?
I have been running on fumes lately to meet some deadlines at work. I feel like I have not had any alone to just reset. Friday night is going to be my one night this week where the kids are going to be in bed early and I plan to unplug and relax. We LOVE seeing you guys and want to get together soon. Could we look at two weeks from now?
If you make your NO authentic, personal, and honest there will be no way they cannot take it at its face value. Trust me the more YOU do this the more they will feel like they have the space to do the same. No matter how hard it is for you to say no (and it will be at first) PROMISE me that you will have the guts to reply to an invitation, message, or request. You are better than ignoring, standing people up, reading and not replaying or worse going intot he Whitness Protection Program.
xx Sarah
